Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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