You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What a dumb baby whore.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
