I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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