Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
