You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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