We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
