We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
