You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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