you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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