dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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