The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
