I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
