JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
