Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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