You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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