Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
