Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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