Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
