All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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