he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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