it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
