What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
