Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize