the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
