I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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