TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize