I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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