i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
