Just cropdusted the office
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize