if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
