Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
