my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
