in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
