if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
