You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Mom said you looked used
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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