She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize