just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
