Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
