I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize