I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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