What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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