Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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