I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
