Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
BRING THE BAGELS
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
