She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
