is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
