Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
