Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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