I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
