next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
