yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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