I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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