I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
