How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
