Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
