i think i have herpe
just one?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
