My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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