My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
