We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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