At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
