I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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